"What doesn't kill you makes you stronger" and other sayings that don't work.

We hold certain truths to be self-evident: you don't have to wait for an apology to begin forgiveness, what you own is not who you are, you will spill coffee on a white shirt if you have a meeting, and you are turning into your mother.

But, there are certain "truths" that don't hold when you have a chronic condition (be it depression, IBD, or any ongoing disease).  While many of the following, common sayings are meant to invigorate or provide confidence to those they are said to and about, most of them cause me frustration, anger or fear.  I give you the sayings, why I disagree with them, and variances for the future.  (And others with illnesses may disagree with me  - but hey, a blog is a monologue.  We are all free to our opinions). 

This illness is not who you are.
Really? Then why does it incapsulate my life and most of my days?  I have had this illness longer than I have owned most things, including my breasts.  This disease is, very literally, a part of me.   It makes my guts tremble, and keeps me from enjoying mexican food and most raw vegetables. The experiences I have had because of it make up the cannon of who I am, and who I will become, the kind of mother I am, what I want to do with my life.  I am proud of what I am despite and because of the challenges CD has given me. 
How about: This illness is not the extent of who I am. 

Your illness is a battle. You are a fighter / survivor.
It has been written that cancer is not a battle.  Neither is my Crohn's disease.   While at times, I am at war with my body, CD is also part of me and who I am and who I have become. So, if I become ill, in times of flare, which is out of my control, am I then I failure? Crohn's will not be "conquered" or "survived" by me, as I will never be rid of it.  
CD is also a symbiotic relationship in which I struggle to remain balanced.  Who has the upper hand varies daily, and is something I sometimes have no control over.
How about: Your illness is a huge challenge. You are a thriver.

You are brave.
I use another words: 
"I cannot see anything "brave" about how I live my life. Bravery implies a choice. Someone who lays down their life to save another human being is brave. I didn't choose to be affected by cancer and I don't believe being placed on the courage pedestal helps me to continue living. Just because I have cancer, it doesn't mean I cannot make mistakes or be selfish, but it almost becomes an expectation that because you are a cancer patient that you somehow become the perfect person. These expectations can be tough to live with on a daily basis."
No one would choose to give up days with loved ones to stay inside.  No one would choose to give up certain loved things when you cannot do them. 
How about: You are coping well. 

You are strong.
Am I? did you see me cry yesterday? Or snap at my partner last night? If I am so strong why is my body constantly falling apart?  While I endeavor to feel and be strong, I have my moments of emotional or physical weakness, and if my disease flares, does that make me weak? 
How about: You are managing well. 

You have to stay positive.
Positivity is not a cure for any illness.  And sometimes the reality does get you down.  Who doesn't love painful diarrhea?  But being honest and realistic about your symptoms, treatment, and diagnosis is negativity.  It creates realistic expectations for yourself and those around you. 
How about: Stay realistic.  You may be having a bad day today, but you've had good days before and you may have some again soon. 

Pain is good because it lets you know you are alive. 

Uh, okay. I get it, we need good times and bad to feel the full range of human emotions and possibilities.  But this is stupid.  The pain I feel has nothing to do with emotion and everything to do with chemicals tearing my body and mind apart.  This saying is like saying "pimples are good because they let you know you have skin".  

How about: Pain sucks. What can I do for you to make other things better?  

Defeat is a state of mind.
Maybe, but I'm not resting or in bed because I think I am defeated.  I am in bed because my body demands rest and recuperation.  It is recuperating from battling itself and I am exhausted.   It is not in my head, I am not imaging this. I am also not defeated.  I am taking care of myself.  And again, my illness isn't going to be "defeated".  When something is defeated, it means something is dead.  The only time that will happen with depression or CD is when I am dead, and I'd like to be alive for a while, thanks. 
How about: You are doing a good job taking care of yourself.  

What doesn't kill you makes you stronger.
This is one that I hate with a fury of a thousand ex-mother in laws. If this is true, then why can't I bench press a buick? There are some times that you just wish the pain or the complications would kill you, so you could be rid of it. And just because you make it through the other side, doesn't mean you are better or bigger or stronger for it.  It makes you scared it can happen again.  It makes you mourn the loss of what could have been. It makes you change in ways you cannot imagine. There are many things a person can experience that doesn't kill them, and does not make them stronger (rape, attempted murder, natural disasters).  Severe pain with illness can be one of them.  
How about: What doesn't kill you, changes you.  (Or just stop saying this altogether). 

We all have the same hours in a day as anyone else.

Sure, we all have 24 hours.  Some days (like today) I bound about with energy, amazed at the amount of things I can get done!  Leaping from task to task.  Other days I wake up, think about getting out of bed, work up the energy to do it, then get up.  Showering takes 10-15 minutes, but the rest after the shower? Up to an hour on a bad day.  The rest of the day on a really bad day.  In the worst of my flares and points of hospitalization I knew I was on the way to getting well because I had energy to want to take a shower.  It still took a nurse to help me, and the rest of the day to recover.

How about: You go at the pace you need.  Be proud of what you can accomplish today, even if it was just breathing.

And so, my fellow thrivers of "invisible" illnesses, do you agree? Disagree? Are there any you would add? I'd love to hear from you in the comments below: 

Building a Play Kitchen

For the year or so before her 9th birthday (August 2013), CS #1 had been asking for a play kitchen.  Being nearly (now just over) five feet tall, she is much too tall for anything on-line or in toy stores.  Being crafty, I turned to my ever loved Pinterest for ideas and found loads of pictures of cute DIY play kitchens made out of old entertainment centers, bed-side tables and the like.  PR and I agreed we were capable of doing this, and had most of the needed supplies at home, we continued to keep an eye out for a small dresser at Goodwill or garage sales.

We found a small three-drawer dresser, with a slightly taller, attached side cabinet at a local Goodwill for $35!  We brought it home and started to work on it.  PR was helpful enough to cut a square into the top to drop a sink into, and a smaller round hole for the sink spout.  Late at night, with a hand-saw.  If we were to do this again, we would rent or buy an electric hand saw and not do this at 9 o'clock at night.

I had a small square cake pan, I wanted to use for the sink.  I found crystal knobs (about $1 each) to use for the sink knobs, and a white plumbing pipe that I spray painted silver for the sink spout.  

CR #1 helped with the sanding and painting.  We had various colors left over from different projects around the house.  She chose a light gray with silver accents. 

CR #1 painting the "refrigerator"

I painted knobs on the bottom drawer to look like oven dials.  I had the other drawer knobs hanging around from other house-hold projects.  I bought the cork trivets from the dollar store and painted them to look like stove coils.  

front view of the kitchen.  The bottom silver drawer is the "oven".

I painted the drawer on the top of the side cabinet to look like a microwave.  The cabinet below became the refrigerator.  

With a trip to the dollar store, I found some fake fruit, baskets,wooden spoons, measuring cups, plastic plates and bowls, plastic "silver wear", a muffin tin,  and a peel and stick chalkboard. At Target, I found some plastic cook-wear.  We bought all of it and wrapped it up for her birthday.  I had also been keeping recyclable food containers (an egg carton, a berry basket, plastic cheese containers).  Which we placed in the kitchen.  I also knit her some bacon!  I found an old set of tupperware salt and pepper shakers in our basement that I filled with white and black beads, respectively.  

"Wax Fruit" from the Dollar Store

Salt and Pepper shakers

The drawers are great, because they provide storage for all of the plates and cups and things.  She has a fridge, an oven and a microwave, and plenty of counter space.  It is also tall enough for her great height! 

In-use today. Dirty dishes tend to pile up, don't they?

She loved the finished product and it has provided endless hours of fun for both crumbsnatchers, where it now resides in the playroom. 

The happy birthday girl with her finished kitchen.

Oh, hello there blog!

PR was saying to me the other day "Did you know your last blog post was about a year ago?"  Why, yes, thanks.  I know I have forgotten about my little pet project that I had such high hopes for!  This time last year I was a bit grumpy, sarcastic, in pain, overly-warm and frustrated.  Well, now I am significantly less frustrated and slightly less grumpy.

It seems that life, and the craziness that comes with it, took over and prevented me from having the gumption to get off my rump and write.  So here (in a nutshell) is what has happened (each of which I may write a future post about):

• Crumbsnatcher #1 turned 9 and we built her a play kitchen. 

• I went back to school full time.
• I went for the first time to: LasVegas and Defcon!
• PR started his own company. 
• PR, CS #1 and I drove down to see my folks and grandfather in Virginia.  Dropped off CS #1 and then PR and I went to DerbyCon in Louisville!
  
• I was hospitalized with a flare, and was diagnosed with new disease activity (I KNEW I wasn't crazy!). 
• Thanksgiving.
• My sister got married. 
• I got a full time job.
• Christmas, with lots of awesome hand-made gifts. 

• We adopted a kitty: Ginny the Fluffernutter

• Knitting - lots.
• Painting - lots. Watercolors have become my new beloved format. 

• PR and I went to DC for ShmooCon.
• Crumbsnatcher #2 turned 8. And we threw him a Minecraft themed birthday party. 
• I underwent surgery for a Crohn's related issue and am now healing. (About a week ago)
• I am still trying to figure out what I want to be when I grow up. 

And, you? How are my Crohnies currently feeling? 

Know your $hit - A letter to the slightly mis-un-infomred

Within the past few weeks I have received an overabundance of feedback from various sources regarding what Crohn's is, how I am mis-managing mine, and all of the things these laypeople (meaning neither in medical or nursing field nor a patient of any kind) have been expressing to me.

So far this week I have been told :

1. That I make a career out of feeling sorry for myself.
2. "I've met other people with Crohn's who, through strict diet and exercise, live normal, relatively pain free lives." i.e. Why can't you?
3. "You use Crohn's as an excuse because you're lazy."
4. "You have Crohn's, are emotionally weak, and crave constant attention." 
5. Compared the "cross to bear" of Crohn's to that of having adult acne or the realities of life keeping us from achieving our dream, like being a formula one driver or a famous actor.  "We all have our crosses to bear". 
6. "If you were a nicer person, you wouldn't suffer so much" 
7. "I know Crohn's isn't contagious, but I have been having some symptoms and they have been telling my I might have IBS. I never had these issues before I met you." 

I know, some real nice people. With friends and relatives like these, eh? So to cut through the BS, here is:

 A down and dirty primer what Crohn's disease IS and what it ISN'T:

And how it affects me:

1. It IS a daily, re-occurring chronic immune response and inflammation of the gastrointestinal tract - that is anywhere on the tract, from the mouth to the anus, with no known cause or cure. 
2. It is NOT contagious.  Though siblings and direct offspring carry a higher incidence rate of developing the disease (ya know, genetics). 
3. It IS a pooping disease. On a good day I have 4 bowel movements.  On a bad day (the last personally recorded one with the last 30 days)  I had 27 bowel movements.  That is 27 times up to the bathroom, sitting there for 10+ minutes, moving my bowels, wiping, getting up, washing your hands and then realizing you have to poop again. 
4. It is NOT just a "pooping disease".  It can cause (I've bolded the ones that affect me on a regular basis):
1. strictures - abnormal narrowing of duct, pass or segment of the intestine, that occurs secondary to inflammation
2. obstruction - narrowing and blockage of a portion if the intestine
3. inflammation - of the intestinal wall
4. bleeding- of the inflamed intestinal wall 
5. abscess - localized accumulation of pus that results in infection
6. fistula - abnormal channel or tract that joins one part of intestine to another part of ogran
7. fissure - tear of the rectum muscle wall
8. arthritis - joint inflammation, usually resulting pain and stiffness
9. osteoporosis - metabolic bone disorder, in which bones become increasingly porous, brittle and subject to fracture
10. erythema nodosum - raised, reddened, tender nodules beneath the skin
11. pyoderma gangrenosum - pustular lesions that may lead to skin necrosis, usually affects shins, area around mouth and genetalia
12. episcleritis - inflimmation of episceral tissue, usually accompanied by ocular itching and burning
13. nutritional deficiency 
14. hepatobilary disease - cirrhosis, jaundice, steatosis, gallstone formion
15. depression - because who ISN'T excited to be shitting all day long?
16. fatigue -  you get tired from going to the bathroom a lot 
17. acne and other skin abnormalities - cause why not ? usually a side effect of various medications
5. It DOES NOT affect every one the same way, it does not affect the same person the same way from day to day, and over the course of the disease a person can experience different severity levels.  There are several types of Crohn's (Pan, Crohn's Colitis, Proctitis) and within those types, differing severity levels:
1. Mild to Moderate - able to eat food normally without dehydration, fevers, stomach pain, blockages in their intestines or losing more than 10% of their body weight.
2. Moderate to Severe - They do not respond to treatment for mild to moderate Crohn's or if they have high fevers, significant weight loss, stomach pain or tenderness, occasional nausea or vomiting or significant anemia. 
3. Severe - have symptoms despite take steroids, or if they high fevers, persistent vomiting, blockages in the intestines or an abscess.  
6. It is NOT curable.  It is treatable with: 
1. Diet - different ones for different people, there is :
1. low residue / low fiber
2. low gluten
3. Specific carbohydrate diet
4. BRAT - during periods of high diarrhea 
5. avoidance food (everyone has a few)
2. Exercise - when an individual is feeling well enough to exercise (e.g. not in a time of flare) low impact, low cardio exercise is recommended. You tell me how much energy you think I have to exercise after pooping 20 times in a row and I'll offer to perform your next colonoscopy. 
3. Medications - I could write blog posts upon blog posts about this, mostly: TNF-A blockers, 6 ASAs, Steroids, NSAIDs, and pain medication are the main / heavy hitters.  The side affects are often as bad as / if not worse than some of the symptoms of Crohn's.  Steroids for existence? Sure I have energy and am not pooping but I look like I have a rounded melon head (think hot air balloon with a face) and have the personality of Medusa on a bad hair day. 
4. Surgery - to remove severely diseased areas causing the most pain, to put in a stoma/ostomy to give parts of the most diseased bowel a rest, or to permanently remove the entire colon or rectum, when ruinously impacted by inflammation. 

All of this together explains why your hairdressers' cousin's husband and I have different types of Crohn's disease, different symptoms, different lifestyles, take different medications and use different treatments.  It is also why some people seem "cured" (they really have moderate Crohn's with no to little disease activity) and other people need surgery after surgery.  

My current personal situation is as follows: 

I have moderate active pan (through all the layers), Crohn's Colitis with distal proctitis.  This means I  have ulceration through all mucosal layers of my descending colon and in the 3 inches directly inside my rectum along with a rectal fissue.  I also suffer from symptoms of diarrhea, frequency of stools, mucus and blood in  my stool, abdominal pain, flank pain, headaches, fever, erythema nodosum, episcleritis, fatigue, acne and depression.  And, while I am mal-absorpbing my food, I do not appear "skinny".   The location of my disease makes it surgically difficult to treat, as if you do anything to the anus surgically, it ruins it.  They are not muscles easily repaired. 

I have spent a total of 7 weeks inpatient over the past 5 years. 

I am on a reduced sugar, reduced gluten diet, low residue diet which I am trying very hard to follow.  This means I should have none of the following: 

• peppers, of any kind
• jams, jellies or preserves
• any processed sugar in anything (think peanut butter, yogurt, cereal)
• wheat (bread, noodles, cookies, cakes, etc)
• gluten (in almost EVERYTHING)
• most root vegetables
• most processed pork
• corn - in any fashion
• most grains

I currently take 6 daily oral medications and one weekly injection.  On the fun days I get to take suppositories and enemas. 

On top of the affects of the diseases, the side-effects of the medications, the uncertainty of not knowing how I am going to feel one day to the next, how one food is going to make me feel, the overwhelming emotion I have is guilt. Guilt that I have to put my daughter through having a mom with a chronic illness. Guilt that my partner has to deal with me, help me administer enemas, pick up my slack when I am too tired to bathe myself, let alone make dinner for everyone else. 

The accusations: 

My"cross to bear".  Yup. It is.  Is it worse or more noble, or grander than anyone else's? No, it is just mine, which makes it matter to me.   It is not my intention to make anyone feel sorry for me. I would like the general public to be aware that there are people for whom getting out of bed everyday takes a physical and mental struggle.  I am one of those people on some days.  Other days, I barely have to think about it and can bound about doing my work. 

Crohn's as an excuse for being lazy.  No.  There are certain limitations of my body I have to accept and I have had to learn them over time. It may look like laziness to you, that I am resting this evening watching TV or reading a book, instead of washing my tub or doing that other load of laundry (or even doing this the second night in a row), but it is so I will have the energy to get up tomorrow and make my daughter's lunch, to go to work,  or attend school.  But I am going to school, caring for my daughter, working part time.  Does this mean dishes are in the sink a little longer? Yes.  Does it mean that I  have a few dust bunnies that have become family members with names? Sure.  Does this mean I am an unworthy human being because my house doesn't look like a Better Homes and Garden magazine? No. 

I am emotionally weak.  I beg to differ.  My emotions seem much closer to the surface.  I am quick to cry, to yell out my frustrations.  But I deal with a lot of frustrations most of which you don't see or hear about. Just planning a grocery trip, and being able to go, come home and retain energy to cook dinner  or getting to the bathroom before I mess myself is an example of one of my constant struggles.  So when something doesn't go as planned, I can be that much more upset.  Because I put a lot of planning into a lot of things, I become easily frustrated when things don't go as planned because it can steal my stores of energy.  And, I have to emotionally manage all of this, while on mood-altering medications, on top of being a "normal" person with "normal" responsibilities - feeding my kids, paying my mortgage, etc.   You do that and we will see how often you want to whine or cry.  (It can be a lot, trust me).  

I crave constant attention.  Again, no.  Actually I hope I'm not overly obtrusive with my need to use the bathroom NOW, in the middle of our dinner or shopping trip. I don't want to ruin anyone else's fun by needing to stop and rest or go the the bathroom.  I hope to take care of my needs quietly.  I want people to not hate me for the burden I place on their lives.  And I want not to be forgotten because I have to spend so much of my time locked in a bathroom, my bedroom or a hospital room. And I want them to not write me off as lazy or weak because I have different physical or emotional limitations than they do. But, I also want people to be  aware of invisible illnesses and the burden placed on their sufferers to live a "normal" life. 

If I was a nicer person I wouldn't suffer so much.   Once again - you can't cause Crohn's.   I speak my mind, frankly and often and enjoy speaking out on behalf of my fellow IBD suffer's who do not talk about their issues or struggles. I don't think this has anything to do with how often I go to the bathroom.  

So, other IBD-ers's I would love your input, feedback. 

Non-IBD's, you, too.  It is a struggle going through this alone, and the only reason I make it most days is because my PR, my parents, my daughter and some close friends (Molly, Trena - you know who are). 

Happy Monday,

Emily 

Gastronomical gumption

I have been hung up on the movie Julie and Julia lately.  I don't know if it is born of my innate love of all things Nora Ephron, my latest increase in cooking, my recent foray into blogging, my love of watching Meryl Streep play anyone over actually watching the person she is playing, or my borderline tolerance of Amy Adams' squeaky voice and upturned nose.  

That bitch is always the right choice.

But I have been watching it endlessly (much to PR's chagrin), and I have convinced myself of the following things:

1. I am dying of hunger within the first ten minutes. 
2. I could be a world class blogger and have a book.
3. I want her friend. Not the bitchy cobb-salad bitches, the other one. The bitchy real one.
4. I could be a Julia Child-esque cook:
1.  end up with my own TV show, 
2. and cute little francophile husband who adores my every utterance.
5. I can cook! I could do that! If whiny little Amy Adams's persona in real life (from rumors in the mills, she isn't the nicest person - hello she cheated on her long suffering husband while on her book tour!!!! but I digress) could make amazing meals, even while falling apart and crying like a maladjusted child, I could too! (hey I have that crying thing down already).  

What was I s a y i ? Oh, yeah, so the cooking thing. . . 

In an effort to manage my Crohn's and IBS better, I have been drastically reducing my gluten intake and eating better; cleaner. I am working on having a better awareness of where my food has come from. This is a challenge.

Challenging to do while broke on a budget.  And, I have found few recipes that meet my difficult and specific GI needs, that the crumbsnatchers don't hate and that are inexpensive enough to afford to feed all of us. It had taken no small amount of effort, researching recipes, finding ingredients within budget, shopping the supermarket fliers, and then hoping the recipe is enjoyed by all of us, and doesn't cause GI distress.  Luckily I'm unemployed, so what else do I have to do with my time (you know, besides 2+ kids, full time school, etc)?

I have had to be pretty adventurous in my cooking attempts.  I like to cook and I am good at it (despite what some of my relatives may try to tell you).  But I have never cooked so much from scratch before and I am loving it!  In tonight's effort I made Eggplant Gratin with Herbs and Creme Fraiche. The sauce and the Fraiche were both from scratch. The eggplants, while not organic, were from a local farm, the herbs were on hand, either from my spice cabinet or my garden, the cream, again local but not organic, and the only parmesan in my budget had the unfortunate associations of having an Italian flag on the label, and a green plastic lid, but c'est la vie.  

It was delicious and filling and I enjoyed making it!!!!! And. . .. (drumroll) 4 hours later, still no GI complaints!  That is the test of a recipe for me.  I can sometimes tell from the smell of something whether or not I can tolerate it, sometimes the first bite, the first few bites, but always by 4 hours gone.  Tonight - no issues.  Success!

Oh yeah other semi-sorta-maybe important factors: PR liked it.  The crumbsnatchers asked for hotdogs.  

It's staying in my recipe log. 

Em

Links: 

Eggplant Gratin

http://farmhousetable.wordpress.com/2011/07/15/eggplant-gratin-with-herbs-and-creme-fraiche/

Julie & Julia

http://www.sonypictures.com/movies/julieandjulia/site/

SCD - The diet I'm supposed to be following ( a challenge - and I've modified it, to fit my life, lifestyle, and in order to keep my sanity). 

http://scdlifestyle.com/scd-quick-start-guide/?gclid=CNeVuvaf0bgCFYWe4AodJCcAaA

Overheard in my house. . .

Conversations of late in my household:

Crumbsnatcher: "Are you baking something?"
Me: "No."
Crumbsnatcher: "Then why do I smell burning?"
(Oh, fuckyou very much!  Actually I was boiling water . . .)


"Just because you sandwiches are in the shape of mustaches doesn't mean your manners have to fly out of the window."  PR to crumbsnatchers.


Me: "Hey, want a lesson on living life?"
Crumbsnatcher: "Sure."
Me: "Don't leave smelly sneakers in front of a running fan."


"Please stop trying to lick your elbows.  No, that doesn't mean to lick each others elbows."  Me to (does it really need to be said?)


(inaudible mumble)
Me: "What? WHAT? I can't hear you! I'm in the bathroom with the fan on.  . .  "
(inaudible mumble)
Me: "I STILL CAN'T HEAR YOU!  I don't care what you do. Leave me alone until I'm done!"
(truth be told, this conversation occurs between me and any number of people in the house, sometime visitors)


Girl Crumbsnatcher to Boy  Crumbsnatcher: "Please stop meddling with mars.  You'll mess it up! Then where would we be?!"


Auntie: "You have a great singing voice!!! Even better, I think, than your mom!"
Crumbsnatcher: "I know." A sigh. A look around.  "Don't tell her, but sometimes she hits a flat note."
well, scuuuuuuuze me!


Me: "Do you want to take voice lessons?"
Crumbsnatcher: "No. I don't need them.  Voice lessons are if you need to improve your voice."


Me: "Hurry up! Get your shoes on! We are running late!"
Crumbsnatcher: slowly walking towards his shoes "A wizard is never late."
Me: "If he misses the bus because he's dead meat, he will be!"


Crumbsnatcher to me, about what new careers I could have: "You should open up a waffle shop! And make and sell your Mom-waffles!"  Takes a bite.  Thinks very seriously.  "Except you would have to put up  a sign about hand washing.  Because not everybody knows your rule about that."


Hope your house is half as entertaining.

- Em

Listlessness

  Humidity does not react well with the various symptoms of Crohn's, IBS, and endometriosis from which I am suffering this week.  It's been a rough one both physically and emotionally. Due to an acute flare of Crohn's and IBS symptoms, timed with a monthly spur of endometriosis, I had to spend two days, more or less, incapacitated to my bed and bathroom, cancel a friend-field trip to Rockland, visit the urgent care center (with no health insurance, not looking forward to that bill), go back on steroids and Vicodin, and weep the remnants of my soul into the creases of my pillows.

  This weekend's weather, sticky humidity, with bouts of rain storms, and the exhaustion of this week's physical turmoil has left me feeling rather listless.  Which is a funny word.  If you look at the base parts -list, n, A series of names, words or other items written, printed or imagined on after the other and -less   an adjective-forming suffix meaning "without", "not having" that specified by the noun base,  you would think a have a lack of lists.  The exact opposite is true.

  My inherit list making compulsion comes from my mother, of whom we joke "Oh, more than two things, better make a list."  And because of whom, my dad clipped the following:

    I have a compulsive need to write down everything, lending perhaps to my forgetful flightiness exacerbated by steroid intake or perhaps my OCD. Whatever the reason I keep incessant lists: to-do lists, lists of words I look up, words I need to look up, books to read, books I've read, quotes from those books,  movies to watch, things to research, homework to do, food I've eaten for the day (this is a crohn's / IBS thing), lists about ideas for lists.  

                           

  The craziness knows no bounds.  So despite my (real definition) physical listlessness, I am not (family definition) listless.  And in honor of this I give you my top 5 list of books I think you (everyone) should read (that I currently own and constantly re-read, and in no particular order, other than this is how they are found on my shelves and my kindle):

Committed   Elizabeth Gilbert

- Yeah, so, ignore that it is written by that chick they made the Julia Roberts movie about.   She was (and is) an excellent research journalist.  In this evoking search on the personal and sociological meanings of marriage and other formalized unions, I learned quite a bit about my own spiritual needs, and realizations of marriage. 

Good Poems For Hard Times  Selected and Introduced by Garrison Keillor

 - Even if you don't like poetry. Especially if you don't like poetry.  This has a poem for all times, not just hard.  Read one a day, read it cover to cover, forget about it, pick it up and leaf through it, and you will find at least half a dozen poems that will move you.  I have about 15 marked for compulsive re-reading. 

Midnight In The Garden of Good and Evil  John Berendt

 - Who doesn't love a good non-fiction murder mystery, steeped in the mythos of the deep south?  Berendt brings the crazy array of characters to life, and threads the history of Savannah, his personal fish out of water story and a murder trial to life.  So much so, you may want to call in the help and pour a pitcher of martinis, for the company comin' 'ya heah'?

Rules of Civility Amor Towles

 - A grown up, higher socio-economic version of A Tree Grows In Brooklyn.  It has the same keen sense of detail and personal emotion, the same social structure politics awareness, and a similar hopeful outcome.  

The Blind Assassin Margaret Atwood

 - A novel within a novel.  The life of a heiress to a Canadian button-fortune (fortune in name only, as the Great War and subsequent economic downturn, as well as Daddy's do good-ing has ruined the money) as she grows up  mother-less with her weirdo-sister in a derelict mansion, and she is then sold to the highest bidder, once of age.  The interior novel is a series of sci-fi stories of the dime pulp milieu, as told between illicit lovers. Very cool. Very dark.  As all Atwood novels are. 

Happy reading, and may you never be listless. 

- Em