Know your $hit - A letter to the slightly mis-un-infomred

Within the past few weeks I have received an overabundance of feedback from various sources regarding what Crohn's is, how I am mis-managing mine, and all of the things these laypeople (meaning neither in medical or nursing field nor a patient of any kind) have been expressing to me.

So far this week I have been told :

1. That I make a career out of feeling sorry for myself.
2. "I've met other people with Crohn's who, through strict diet and exercise, live normal, relatively pain free lives." i.e. Why can't you?
3. "You use Crohn's as an excuse because you're lazy."
4. "You have Crohn's, are emotionally weak, and crave constant attention." 
5. Compared the "cross to bear" of Crohn's to that of having adult acne or the realities of life keeping us from achieving our dream, like being a formula one driver or a famous actor.  "We all have our crosses to bear". 
6. "If you were a nicer person, you wouldn't suffer so much" 
7. "I know Crohn's isn't contagious, but I have been having some symptoms and they have been telling my I might have IBS. I never had these issues before I met you." 

I know, some real nice people. With friends and relatives like these, eh? So to cut through the BS, here is:

 A down and dirty primer what Crohn's disease IS and what it ISN'T:

And how it affects me:

1. It IS a daily, re-occurring chronic immune response and inflammation of the gastrointestinal tract - that is anywhere on the tract, from the mouth to the anus, with no known cause or cure. 
2. It is NOT contagious.  Though siblings and direct offspring carry a higher incidence rate of developing the disease (ya know, genetics). 
3. It IS a pooping disease. On a good day I have 4 bowel movements.  On a bad day (the last personally recorded one with the last 30 days)  I had 27 bowel movements.  That is 27 times up to the bathroom, sitting there for 10+ minutes, moving my bowels, wiping, getting up, washing your hands and then realizing you have to poop again. 
4. It is NOT just a "pooping disease".  It can cause (I've bolded the ones that affect me on a regular basis):
1. strictures - abnormal narrowing of duct, pass or segment of the intestine, that occurs secondary to inflammation
2. obstruction - narrowing and blockage of a portion if the intestine
3. inflammation - of the intestinal wall
4. bleeding- of the inflamed intestinal wall 
5. abscess - localized accumulation of pus that results in infection
6. fistula - abnormal channel or tract that joins one part of intestine to another part of ogran
7. fissure - tear of the rectum muscle wall
8. arthritis - joint inflammation, usually resulting pain and stiffness
9. osteoporosis - metabolic bone disorder, in which bones become increasingly porous, brittle and subject to fracture
10. erythema nodosum - raised, reddened, tender nodules beneath the skin
11. pyoderma gangrenosum - pustular lesions that may lead to skin necrosis, usually affects shins, area around mouth and genetalia
12. episcleritis - inflimmation of episceral tissue, usually accompanied by ocular itching and burning
13. nutritional deficiency 
14. hepatobilary disease - cirrhosis, jaundice, steatosis, gallstone formion
15. depression - because who ISN'T excited to be shitting all day long?
16. fatigue -  you get tired from going to the bathroom a lot 
17. acne and other skin abnormalities - cause why not ? usually a side effect of various medications
5. It DOES NOT affect every one the same way, it does not affect the same person the same way from day to day, and over the course of the disease a person can experience different severity levels.  There are several types of Crohn's (Pan, Crohn's Colitis, Proctitis) and within those types, differing severity levels:
1. Mild to Moderate - able to eat food normally without dehydration, fevers, stomach pain, blockages in their intestines or losing more than 10% of their body weight.
2. Moderate to Severe - They do not respond to treatment for mild to moderate Crohn's or if they have high fevers, significant weight loss, stomach pain or tenderness, occasional nausea or vomiting or significant anemia. 
3. Severe - have symptoms despite take steroids, or if they high fevers, persistent vomiting, blockages in the intestines or an abscess.  
6. It is NOT curable.  It is treatable with: 
1. Diet - different ones for different people, there is :
1. low residue / low fiber
2. low gluten
3. Specific carbohydrate diet
4. BRAT - during periods of high diarrhea 
5. avoidance food (everyone has a few)
2. Exercise - when an individual is feeling well enough to exercise (e.g. not in a time of flare) low impact, low cardio exercise is recommended. You tell me how much energy you think I have to exercise after pooping 20 times in a row and I'll offer to perform your next colonoscopy. 
3. Medications - I could write blog posts upon blog posts about this, mostly: TNF-A blockers, 6 ASAs, Steroids, NSAIDs, and pain medication are the main / heavy hitters.  The side affects are often as bad as / if not worse than some of the symptoms of Crohn's.  Steroids for existence? Sure I have energy and am not pooping but I look like I have a rounded melon head (think hot air balloon with a face) and have the personality of Medusa on a bad hair day. 
4. Surgery - to remove severely diseased areas causing the most pain, to put in a stoma/ostomy to give parts of the most diseased bowel a rest, or to permanently remove the entire colon or rectum, when ruinously impacted by inflammation. 

All of this together explains why your hairdressers' cousin's husband and I have different types of Crohn's disease, different symptoms, different lifestyles, take different medications and use different treatments.  It is also why some people seem "cured" (they really have moderate Crohn's with no to little disease activity) and other people need surgery after surgery.  

My current personal situation is as follows: 

I have moderate active pan (through all the layers), Crohn's Colitis with distal proctitis.  This means I  have ulceration through all mucosal layers of my descending colon and in the 3 inches directly inside my rectum along with a rectal fissue.  I also suffer from symptoms of diarrhea, frequency of stools, mucus and blood in  my stool, abdominal pain, flank pain, headaches, fever, erythema nodosum, episcleritis, fatigue, acne and depression.  And, while I am mal-absorpbing my food, I do not appear "skinny".   The location of my disease makes it surgically difficult to treat, as if you do anything to the anus surgically, it ruins it.  They are not muscles easily repaired. 

I have spent a total of 7 weeks inpatient over the past 5 years. 

I am on a reduced sugar, reduced gluten diet, low residue diet which I am trying very hard to follow.  This means I should have none of the following: 

• peppers, of any kind
• jams, jellies or preserves
• any processed sugar in anything (think peanut butter, yogurt, cereal)
• wheat (bread, noodles, cookies, cakes, etc)
• gluten (in almost EVERYTHING)
• most root vegetables
• most processed pork
• corn - in any fashion
• most grains

I currently take 6 daily oral medications and one weekly injection.  On the fun days I get to take suppositories and enemas. 

On top of the affects of the diseases, the side-effects of the medications, the uncertainty of not knowing how I am going to feel one day to the next, how one food is going to make me feel, the overwhelming emotion I have is guilt. Guilt that I have to put my daughter through having a mom with a chronic illness. Guilt that my partner has to deal with me, help me administer enemas, pick up my slack when I am too tired to bathe myself, let alone make dinner for everyone else. 

The accusations: 

My"cross to bear".  Yup. It is.  Is it worse or more noble, or grander than anyone else's? No, it is just mine, which makes it matter to me.   It is not my intention to make anyone feel sorry for me. I would like the general public to be aware that there are people for whom getting out of bed everyday takes a physical and mental struggle.  I am one of those people on some days.  Other days, I barely have to think about it and can bound about doing my work. 

Crohn's as an excuse for being lazy.  No.  There are certain limitations of my body I have to accept and I have had to learn them over time. It may look like laziness to you, that I am resting this evening watching TV or reading a book, instead of washing my tub or doing that other load of laundry (or even doing this the second night in a row), but it is so I will have the energy to get up tomorrow and make my daughter's lunch, to go to work,  or attend school.  But I am going to school, caring for my daughter, working part time.  Does this mean dishes are in the sink a little longer? Yes.  Does it mean that I  have a few dust bunnies that have become family members with names? Sure.  Does this mean I am an unworthy human being because my house doesn't look like a Better Homes and Garden magazine? No. 

I am emotionally weak.  I beg to differ.  My emotions seem much closer to the surface.  I am quick to cry, to yell out my frustrations.  But I deal with a lot of frustrations most of which you don't see or hear about. Just planning a grocery trip, and being able to go, come home and retain energy to cook dinner  or getting to the bathroom before I mess myself is an example of one of my constant struggles.  So when something doesn't go as planned, I can be that much more upset.  Because I put a lot of planning into a lot of things, I become easily frustrated when things don't go as planned because it can steal my stores of energy.  And, I have to emotionally manage all of this, while on mood-altering medications, on top of being a "normal" person with "normal" responsibilities - feeding my kids, paying my mortgage, etc.   You do that and we will see how often you want to whine or cry.  (It can be a lot, trust me).  

I crave constant attention.  Again, no.  Actually I hope I'm not overly obtrusive with my need to use the bathroom NOW, in the middle of our dinner or shopping trip. I don't want to ruin anyone else's fun by needing to stop and rest or go the the bathroom.  I hope to take care of my needs quietly.  I want people to not hate me for the burden I place on their lives.  And I want not to be forgotten because I have to spend so much of my time locked in a bathroom, my bedroom or a hospital room. And I want them to not write me off as lazy or weak because I have different physical or emotional limitations than they do. But, I also want people to be  aware of invisible illnesses and the burden placed on their sufferers to live a "normal" life. 

If I was a nicer person I wouldn't suffer so much.   Once again - you can't cause Crohn's.   I speak my mind, frankly and often and enjoy speaking out on behalf of my fellow IBD suffer's who do not talk about their issues or struggles. I don't think this has anything to do with how often I go to the bathroom.  

So, other IBD-ers's I would love your input, feedback. 

Non-IBD's, you, too.  It is a struggle going through this alone, and the only reason I make it most days is because my PR, my parents, my daughter and some close friends (Molly, Trena - you know who are). 

Happy Monday,

Emily 

Gastronomical gumption

I have been hung up on the movie Julie and Julia lately.  I don't know if it is born of my innate love of all things Nora Ephron, my latest increase in cooking, my recent foray into blogging, my love of watching Meryl Streep play anyone over actually watching the person she is playing, or my borderline tolerance of Amy Adams' squeaky voice and upturned nose.  

That bitch is always the right choice.

But I have been watching it endlessly (much to PR's chagrin), and I have convinced myself of the following things:

1. I am dying of hunger within the first ten minutes. 
2. I could be a world class blogger and have a book.
3. I want her friend. Not the bitchy cobb-salad bitches, the other one. The bitchy real one.
4. I could be a Julia Child-esque cook:
1.  end up with my own TV show, 
2. and cute little francophile husband who adores my every utterance.
5. I can cook! I could do that! If whiny little Amy Adams's persona in real life (from rumors in the mills, she isn't the nicest person - hello she cheated on her long suffering husband while on her book tour!!!! but I digress) could make amazing meals, even while falling apart and crying like a maladjusted child, I could too! (hey I have that crying thing down already).  

What was I s a y i ? Oh, yeah, so the cooking thing. . . 

In an effort to manage my Crohn's and IBS better, I have been drastically reducing my gluten intake and eating better; cleaner. I am working on having a better awareness of where my food has come from. This is a challenge.

Challenging to do while broke on a budget.  And, I have found few recipes that meet my difficult and specific GI needs, that the crumbsnatchers don't hate and that are inexpensive enough to afford to feed all of us. It had taken no small amount of effort, researching recipes, finding ingredients within budget, shopping the supermarket fliers, and then hoping the recipe is enjoyed by all of us, and doesn't cause GI distress.  Luckily I'm unemployed, so what else do I have to do with my time (you know, besides 2+ kids, full time school, etc)?

I have had to be pretty adventurous in my cooking attempts.  I like to cook and I am good at it (despite what some of my relatives may try to tell you).  But I have never cooked so much from scratch before and I am loving it!  In tonight's effort I made Eggplant Gratin with Herbs and Creme Fraiche. The sauce and the Fraiche were both from scratch. The eggplants, while not organic, were from a local farm, the herbs were on hand, either from my spice cabinet or my garden, the cream, again local but not organic, and the only parmesan in my budget had the unfortunate associations of having an Italian flag on the label, and a green plastic lid, but c'est la vie.  

It was delicious and filling and I enjoyed making it!!!!! And. . .. (drumroll) 4 hours later, still no GI complaints!  That is the test of a recipe for me.  I can sometimes tell from the smell of something whether or not I can tolerate it, sometimes the first bite, the first few bites, but always by 4 hours gone.  Tonight - no issues.  Success!

Oh yeah other semi-sorta-maybe important factors: PR liked it.  The crumbsnatchers asked for hotdogs.  

It's staying in my recipe log. 

Em

Links: 

Eggplant Gratin

http://farmhousetable.wordpress.com/2011/07/15/eggplant-gratin-with-herbs-and-creme-fraiche/

Julie & Julia

http://www.sonypictures.com/movies/julieandjulia/site/

SCD - The diet I'm supposed to be following ( a challenge - and I've modified it, to fit my life, lifestyle, and in order to keep my sanity). 

http://scdlifestyle.com/scd-quick-start-guide/?gclid=CNeVuvaf0bgCFYWe4AodJCcAaA

Overheard in my house. . .

Conversations of late in my household:

Crumbsnatcher: "Are you baking something?"
Me: "No."
Crumbsnatcher: "Then why do I smell burning?"
(Oh, fuckyou very much!  Actually I was boiling water . . .)


"Just because you sandwiches are in the shape of mustaches doesn't mean your manners have to fly out of the window."  PR to crumbsnatchers.


Me: "Hey, want a lesson on living life?"
Crumbsnatcher: "Sure."
Me: "Don't leave smelly sneakers in front of a running fan."


"Please stop trying to lick your elbows.  No, that doesn't mean to lick each others elbows."  Me to (does it really need to be said?)


(inaudible mumble)
Me: "What? WHAT? I can't hear you! I'm in the bathroom with the fan on.  . .  "
(inaudible mumble)
Me: "I STILL CAN'T HEAR YOU!  I don't care what you do. Leave me alone until I'm done!"
(truth be told, this conversation occurs between me and any number of people in the house, sometime visitors)


Girl Crumbsnatcher to Boy  Crumbsnatcher: "Please stop meddling with mars.  You'll mess it up! Then where would we be?!"


Auntie: "You have a great singing voice!!! Even better, I think, than your mom!"
Crumbsnatcher: "I know." A sigh. A look around.  "Don't tell her, but sometimes she hits a flat note."
well, scuuuuuuuze me!


Me: "Do you want to take voice lessons?"
Crumbsnatcher: "No. I don't need them.  Voice lessons are if you need to improve your voice."


Me: "Hurry up! Get your shoes on! We are running late!"
Crumbsnatcher: slowly walking towards his shoes "A wizard is never late."
Me: "If he misses the bus because he's dead meat, he will be!"


Crumbsnatcher to me, about what new careers I could have: "You should open up a waffle shop! And make and sell your Mom-waffles!"  Takes a bite.  Thinks very seriously.  "Except you would have to put up  a sign about hand washing.  Because not everybody knows your rule about that."


Hope your house is half as entertaining.

- Em

Listlessness

  Humidity does not react well with the various symptoms of Crohn's, IBS, and endometriosis from which I am suffering this week.  It's been a rough one both physically and emotionally. Due to an acute flare of Crohn's and IBS symptoms, timed with a monthly spur of endometriosis, I had to spend two days, more or less, incapacitated to my bed and bathroom, cancel a friend-field trip to Rockland, visit the urgent care center (with no health insurance, not looking forward to that bill), go back on steroids and Vicodin, and weep the remnants of my soul into the creases of my pillows.

  This weekend's weather, sticky humidity, with bouts of rain storms, and the exhaustion of this week's physical turmoil has left me feeling rather listless.  Which is a funny word.  If you look at the base parts -list, n, A series of names, words or other items written, printed or imagined on after the other and -less   an adjective-forming suffix meaning "without", "not having" that specified by the noun base,  you would think a have a lack of lists.  The exact opposite is true.

  My inherit list making compulsion comes from my mother, of whom we joke "Oh, more than two things, better make a list."  And because of whom, my dad clipped the following:

    I have a compulsive need to write down everything, lending perhaps to my forgetful flightiness exacerbated by steroid intake or perhaps my OCD. Whatever the reason I keep incessant lists: to-do lists, lists of words I look up, words I need to look up, books to read, books I've read, quotes from those books,  movies to watch, things to research, homework to do, food I've eaten for the day (this is a crohn's / IBS thing), lists about ideas for lists.  

                           

  The craziness knows no bounds.  So despite my (real definition) physical listlessness, I am not (family definition) listless.  And in honor of this I give you my top 5 list of books I think you (everyone) should read (that I currently own and constantly re-read, and in no particular order, other than this is how they are found on my shelves and my kindle):

Committed   Elizabeth Gilbert

- Yeah, so, ignore that it is written by that chick they made the Julia Roberts movie about.   She was (and is) an excellent research journalist.  In this evoking search on the personal and sociological meanings of marriage and other formalized unions, I learned quite a bit about my own spiritual needs, and realizations of marriage. 

Good Poems For Hard Times  Selected and Introduced by Garrison Keillor

 - Even if you don't like poetry. Especially if you don't like poetry.  This has a poem for all times, not just hard.  Read one a day, read it cover to cover, forget about it, pick it up and leaf through it, and you will find at least half a dozen poems that will move you.  I have about 15 marked for compulsive re-reading. 

Midnight In The Garden of Good and Evil  John Berendt

 - Who doesn't love a good non-fiction murder mystery, steeped in the mythos of the deep south?  Berendt brings the crazy array of characters to life, and threads the history of Savannah, his personal fish out of water story and a murder trial to life.  So much so, you may want to call in the help and pour a pitcher of martinis, for the company comin' 'ya heah'?

Rules of Civility Amor Towles

 - A grown up, higher socio-economic version of A Tree Grows In Brooklyn.  It has the same keen sense of detail and personal emotion, the same social structure politics awareness, and a similar hopeful outcome.  

The Blind Assassin Margaret Atwood

 - A novel within a novel.  The life of a heiress to a Canadian button-fortune (fortune in name only, as the Great War and subsequent economic downturn, as well as Daddy's do good-ing has ruined the money) as she grows up  mother-less with her weirdo-sister in a derelict mansion, and she is then sold to the highest bidder, once of age.  The interior novel is a series of sci-fi stories of the dime pulp milieu, as told between illicit lovers. Very cool. Very dark.  As all Atwood novels are. 

Happy reading, and may you never be listless. 

- Em 

  

Friday Rainy Day Rants

Tropical Storm Andrea has blessed us with a rainy day.  I love chilly, rainy weather.  It gives me a good excuse to stay inside and knit, instead of  coming up with excuses to stay inside and knit and then having to admit that I'm only outdoorsy in the sense that I like to drink on patios.

I picked up my darling niece from daycare, as she had an upset stomach.  We snuggled in bed, and skyped with my 94 year old grandfather for about 15 minutes - which means we spent 5 minutes explaining to him how to plug in his webcam, 5 minutes clarifying that it was my niece was sitting next to me, not my daughter, and 5 minutes trying to interpret his speech without his teeth.  It was a great morning.

But then. . .  so last week I ordered the wrong book from book renters and received a Micro book instead of a Macro book (yes, I am really blond under this hair dye).  I needed a Macro book to use for our open book take home test (ah summer semester, how I love thee) so I went to two different stores to attempt a purchase. And, here begins my rant (each of these could be it's own post, so yes I did edit my whining, believe it or not):

1. Why the eff are textbooks SO expensive? Really? $220.50 for a Macro text that they will then attempt to buyback for 30 bucks or less? And, we've only cracked it in class once. 
2. Pajama jeans? To class? No. Just. No. Actually, No. Ever. 
3. Dear Ex, Yes. I really do have Crohn's. Stop intonating that I am faking it. I've had it longer than you thought you had me. Also, if a diagnosis can be definitively made via medical tests, such as a blood test or a colonoscopy (multiple times) - ya can't fake it!  Don't you have a NURSING degree that I helped pay for? Don't they teach that at nursing school? 
4. Why is Facebook becoming more like myspace everyday? You want to how I'm feeling, Facebook? I'm feeling like I'm stuck in 2003. 
5. House - why the carp are you so freaking messy?!  Didn't  I JUST clean you last weekend? Why do I still have all this crap? I feel like a hoarder, until I watch Hoarders and then I feel only somewhat of an over consumer. Who just remembered I forgot something I meant to get at Target. 
6. I've had two pedicures in the past month. I've been using my aloe-infused moisture socks and slathering on lotion, so why is my right foot so dry it has it's own British accent? 
7. Why do we not have a Karaoke bar in Portland? Seriously? No, really. I'm serious.
8. As much as I love bacon, I am not a fan of the restaurant Nosh. Why name a place a Yiddish word, and then dust all the food with PORK? And if they are supposed to be "nosh" sized servings, why are they so expensive? And why do you sell PBR, like it is a refined product? GD hipsters! 
9. Hipsters!!!! I hate that you are now a market to which we must tailor general tastes.  You infest our city with Urban Outfitters, Toms and PBR in good restaurants. I thought the whole point of a hipster was to be anti-mainstream.  But you are now so mainstream, you are your own stream. It wasn't cool when I was in high school and it was emo-goth, it's not cool now that I'm in my thirties and see my peers wearing bicycle locks for belts.
   
10. What is up with all the added carp in food that we don't need? Corn syrup, preservatives, colors.  I can get behind Calcium and Vitamin D in my milk or OJ.  But probiotics in my fro-yo?  Really? Not everyone can eat that.  Why do I have to be denied frozen creamy goodness because Jamie Lee Curtis talks about yogurt so much it became a thing? At this rate I will be reduced to buying unpasteurized sheep's milk from a farmer that smells like patchouli, and sings Gregorian chants on one foot.  Bandwagon begone!
11. I miss books.  I love my Kindle. I really do.  I love that it syncs with my computer and my phone.    I love that I can purchase books while sitting in the bathroom.  I love that Lilly and I can read the same book, at the same time, that I only have to buy one of. But I miss ink, the heft of a book in my hand, and the smell of new pages. 
12. I belong to a number of social media support groups for Crohn's, IBD and IBS.  Why do people whom have these diseases misspell them? You have the disease, your excuses are invalid. Learn how to spell it, you look like an idiot.  
    
13. I hate how first world this list is.  It is free donut day at Dunkin Donuts with the purchase of a beverage.  And that has made my afternoon better.  If you have problems that can seem lighter with a free, super fatty fast food covered in chocolate, and you have money to pay for the accompanying beverage, you don't really have problems.  

          Except maybe that Karaoke bar thing.


- Em

Linkage:

Textbook prices rising:  http://www.theatlantic.com/business/archive/2013/01/why-are-college-textbooks-so-absurdly-expensive/266801/

Slovenly America:  http://www.forbes.com/sites/boblutz/2012/06/11/america-the-slovenly-dressing-down-and-blimping-up/

Hipsters mainstreaming it:  http://www.washingtonpost.com/blogs/compost/wp/2013/05/13/hipsters-are-mainstream-poll-finds/

Probiotics hype:   http://www.nbcnews.com/id/27454348/ns/health-diet_and_nutrition/t/probiotics-more-hype-help/#.UbI-mpWAHzI

Crohn's history: http://www.crohnsandme.com/crohns-information/history-of-crohns.aspx

Free donut day:  http://business.time.com/2013/06/07/free-donuts-everything-you-need-to-know-to-celebrate-national-donut-day/

Here comes the rains

It has been a really warm weekend here in Maine.  Not record breaking warm, but close.  The kind of warm that makes everyone rush to Walmart to buy window fans, air conditioners, blow-up pools for the kids and stand around appreciating central AC while mocking the regulars.  The kind of warm that makes you realize, "Hey, my ass crack can sweat.  Awesome."

In the midst of this blaze of heat, I seem to have finally come into my spring-cleaning, nesting mood.  My parents, whom shared my house for the past 11 centuries, moved out (and away - but that is a different story) this past February and the detritus of two families in a one family house has sat unearthed in the corners of my little home.  The urge to clean and purge did not hit until this previous week.  Perhaps it was an after affect of being terminated from my job (again, another post), or perhaps due to a recent change in medication levels (Crohn's + OCD + Depression). But whatever the reason, my internal timer, never punctual, dinged and I decided to deep clean the basement, the refrigerator lining, that corner in the weird spot in the front hall no one ever sees but me and every thing in between. In this heat? Really, self?

To add to this craziness the crumbsnatchers were at their all time high of end of school year / isitsummeryet / thank god, winter in Maine is over insanity.  Bouncing, trouncing, pouncing, flouncing, without the fun of T-I-double guh -err.

After the third night of not wanting to sleep next to the furnace that is the PR (permanent roommate), and much promise of cooling temps from the witch-doctors that foretell the mysticism that is the weather, it has begun to thunder.  The crumbsnatchers are in bed, almost asleep. The wind is crisply blowing through my open windows bringing the smell of fresh, green earth.  And the rain is washing away all the grumpiness that these two weeks have bestowed upon me.

Relishing in the pungant summer air, my mind is pulled away from the coulda, woulda, shoulda, that is my to-do-never-done list, and brought back to the sweeter moments.  PR telling me no matter what happened at work he would support me; financially, and emotionally.  My beautiful, loving daughter being ever so empathetic to my moods and changes of situation.  Re-starting my journal on a daily basis again, and keeping up with it.  The crumbsnatchers, after complaining about the TV being turned off, playing and laughing over a board game, together. Finishing my first watercolor painting.  Skyping with my parents and their dog.  Making a new pancake recipe, and having everyone in the house love it.

My gratitude could go on and on.  I know I often seem brash, sarcastic and judgmental.  This evening's optimal experience has made me realize my gratitude needs to exist on a regular, living basis and I need to show more of it to those I love.

Have a great evening.

- Em

Today's links:
The new pancake recipe:
http://merrywithchildren.com/2010/12/whats-cooking-wednesday-fluffy-pancakes/
optimal experience / flow:
http://edutechwiki.unige.ch/en/Flow_theory
http://www.ppc.sas.upenn.edu/teachingflow.htm


P.S. - researchers have decoded prairie dog language, and they are talking about us. Curiouser, and curiouser.
http://www.treehugger.com/natural-sciences/researcher-decodes-praire-dog-language-discovers-theyve-been-calling-people-fat.html