"What doesn't kill you makes you stronger" and other sayings that don't work.

We hold certain truths to be self-evident: you don't have to wait for an apology to begin forgiveness, what you own is not who you are, you will spill coffee on a white shirt if you have a meeting, and you are turning into your mother.

But, there are certain "truths" that don't hold when you have a chronic condition (be it depression, IBD, or any ongoing disease).  While many of the following, common sayings are meant to invigorate or provide confidence to those they are said to and about, most of them cause me frustration, anger or fear.  I give you the sayings, why I disagree with them, and variances for the future.  (And others with illnesses may disagree with me  - but hey, a blog is a monologue.  We are all free to our opinions). 

This illness is not who you are.
Really? Then why does it incapsulate my life and most of my days?  I have had this illness longer than I have owned most things, including my breasts.  This disease is, very literally, a part of me.   It makes my guts tremble, and keeps me from enjoying mexican food and most raw vegetables. The experiences I have had because of it make up the cannon of who I am, and who I will become, the kind of mother I am, what I want to do with my life.  I am proud of what I am despite and because of the challenges CD has given me. 
How about: This illness is not the extent of who I am. 

Your illness is a battle. You are a fighter / survivor.
It has been written that cancer is not a battle.  Neither is my Crohn's disease.   While at times, I am at war with my body, CD is also part of me and who I am and who I have become. So, if I become ill, in times of flare, which is out of my control, am I then I failure? Crohn's will not be "conquered" or "survived" by me, as I will never be rid of it.  
CD is also a symbiotic relationship in which I struggle to remain balanced.  Who has the upper hand varies daily, and is something I sometimes have no control over.
How about: Your illness is a huge challenge. You are a thriver.

You are brave.
I use another words: 
"I cannot see anything "brave" about how I live my life. Bravery implies a choice. Someone who lays down their life to save another human being is brave. I didn't choose to be affected by cancer and I don't believe being placed on the courage pedestal helps me to continue living. Just because I have cancer, it doesn't mean I cannot make mistakes or be selfish, but it almost becomes an expectation that because you are a cancer patient that you somehow become the perfect person. These expectations can be tough to live with on a daily basis."
No one would choose to give up days with loved ones to stay inside.  No one would choose to give up certain loved things when you cannot do them. 
How about: You are coping well. 

You are strong.
Am I? did you see me cry yesterday? Or snap at my partner last night? If I am so strong why is my body constantly falling apart?  While I endeavor to feel and be strong, I have my moments of emotional or physical weakness, and if my disease flares, does that make me weak? 
How about: You are managing well. 

You have to stay positive.
Positivity is not a cure for any illness.  And sometimes the reality does get you down.  Who doesn't love painful diarrhea?  But being honest and realistic about your symptoms, treatment, and diagnosis is negativity.  It creates realistic expectations for yourself and those around you. 
How about: Stay realistic.  You may be having a bad day today, but you've had good days before and you may have some again soon. 

Pain is good because it lets you know you are alive. 

Uh, okay. I get it, we need good times and bad to feel the full range of human emotions and possibilities.  But this is stupid.  The pain I feel has nothing to do with emotion and everything to do with chemicals tearing my body and mind apart.  This saying is like saying "pimples are good because they let you know you have skin".  

How about: Pain sucks. What can I do for you to make other things better?  

Defeat is a state of mind.
Maybe, but I'm not resting or in bed because I think I am defeated.  I am in bed because my body demands rest and recuperation.  It is recuperating from battling itself and I am exhausted.   It is not in my head, I am not imaging this. I am also not defeated.  I am taking care of myself.  And again, my illness isn't going to be "defeated".  When something is defeated, it means something is dead.  The only time that will happen with depression or CD is when I am dead, and I'd like to be alive for a while, thanks. 
How about: You are doing a good job taking care of yourself.  

What doesn't kill you makes you stronger.
This is one that I hate with a fury of a thousand ex-mother in laws. If this is true, then why can't I bench press a buick? There are some times that you just wish the pain or the complications would kill you, so you could be rid of it. And just because you make it through the other side, doesn't mean you are better or bigger or stronger for it.  It makes you scared it can happen again.  It makes you mourn the loss of what could have been. It makes you change in ways you cannot imagine. There are many things a person can experience that doesn't kill them, and does not make them stronger (rape, attempted murder, natural disasters).  Severe pain with illness can be one of them.  
How about: What doesn't kill you, changes you.  (Or just stop saying this altogether). 

We all have the same hours in a day as anyone else.

Sure, we all have 24 hours.  Some days (like today) I bound about with energy, amazed at the amount of things I can get done!  Leaping from task to task.  Other days I wake up, think about getting out of bed, work up the energy to do it, then get up.  Showering takes 10-15 minutes, but the rest after the shower? Up to an hour on a bad day.  The rest of the day on a really bad day.  In the worst of my flares and points of hospitalization I knew I was on the way to getting well because I had energy to want to take a shower.  It still took a nurse to help me, and the rest of the day to recover.

How about: You go at the pace you need.  Be proud of what you can accomplish today, even if it was just breathing.

And so, my fellow thrivers of "invisible" illnesses, do you agree? Disagree? Are there any you would add? I'd love to hear from you in the comments below: 

Building a Play Kitchen

For the year or so before her 9th birthday (August 2013), CS #1 had been asking for a play kitchen.  Being nearly (now just over) five feet tall, she is much too tall for anything on-line or in toy stores.  Being crafty, I turned to my ever loved Pinterest for ideas and found loads of pictures of cute DIY play kitchens made out of old entertainment centers, bed-side tables and the like.  PR and I agreed we were capable of doing this, and had most of the needed supplies at home, we continued to keep an eye out for a small dresser at Goodwill or garage sales.

We found a small three-drawer dresser, with a slightly taller, attached side cabinet at a local Goodwill for $35!  We brought it home and started to work on it.  PR was helpful enough to cut a square into the top to drop a sink into, and a smaller round hole for the sink spout.  Late at night, with a hand-saw.  If we were to do this again, we would rent or buy an electric hand saw and not do this at 9 o'clock at night.

I had a small square cake pan, I wanted to use for the sink.  I found crystal knobs (about $1 each) to use for the sink knobs, and a white plumbing pipe that I spray painted silver for the sink spout.  

CR #1 helped with the sanding and painting.  We had various colors left over from different projects around the house.  She chose a light gray with silver accents. 

CR #1 painting the "refrigerator"

I painted knobs on the bottom drawer to look like oven dials.  I had the other drawer knobs hanging around from other house-hold projects.  I bought the cork trivets from the dollar store and painted them to look like stove coils.  

front view of the kitchen.  The bottom silver drawer is the "oven".

I painted the drawer on the top of the side cabinet to look like a microwave.  The cabinet below became the refrigerator.  

With a trip to the dollar store, I found some fake fruit, baskets,wooden spoons, measuring cups, plastic plates and bowls, plastic "silver wear", a muffin tin,  and a peel and stick chalkboard. At Target, I found some plastic cook-wear.  We bought all of it and wrapped it up for her birthday.  I had also been keeping recyclable food containers (an egg carton, a berry basket, plastic cheese containers).  Which we placed in the kitchen.  I also knit her some bacon!  I found an old set of tupperware salt and pepper shakers in our basement that I filled with white and black beads, respectively.  

"Wax Fruit" from the Dollar Store

Salt and Pepper shakers

The drawers are great, because they provide storage for all of the plates and cups and things.  She has a fridge, an oven and a microwave, and plenty of counter space.  It is also tall enough for her great height! 

In-use today. Dirty dishes tend to pile up, don't they?

She loved the finished product and it has provided endless hours of fun for both crumbsnatchers, where it now resides in the playroom. 

The happy birthday girl with her finished kitchen.

Oh, hello there blog!

PR was saying to me the other day "Did you know your last blog post was about a year ago?"  Why, yes, thanks.  I know I have forgotten about my little pet project that I had such high hopes for!  This time last year I was a bit grumpy, sarcastic, in pain, overly-warm and frustrated.  Well, now I am significantly less frustrated and slightly less grumpy.

It seems that life, and the craziness that comes with it, took over and prevented me from having the gumption to get off my rump and write.  So here (in a nutshell) is what has happened (each of which I may write a future post about):

• Crumbsnatcher #1 turned 9 and we built her a play kitchen. 

• I went back to school full time.
• I went for the first time to: LasVegas and Defcon!
• PR started his own company. 
• PR, CS #1 and I drove down to see my folks and grandfather in Virginia.  Dropped off CS #1 and then PR and I went to DerbyCon in Louisville!
  
• I was hospitalized with a flare, and was diagnosed with new disease activity (I KNEW I wasn't crazy!). 
• Thanksgiving.
• My sister got married. 
• I got a full time job.
• Christmas, with lots of awesome hand-made gifts. 

• We adopted a kitty: Ginny the Fluffernutter

• Knitting - lots.
• Painting - lots. Watercolors have become my new beloved format. 

• PR and I went to DC for ShmooCon.
• Crumbsnatcher #2 turned 8. And we threw him a Minecraft themed birthday party. 
• I underwent surgery for a Crohn's related issue and am now healing. (About a week ago)
• I am still trying to figure out what I want to be when I grow up. 

And, you? How are my Crohnies currently feeling?